Before you read this you must know that these are not my words I am using them from my favorite lyricist Dallas Green. This is one of those songs you hear and you know he is in the same place you are when he wrote these lyrics. He is confessing he inner thoughts on how drinking might be the answers to his problems. Currently I don't drink, but I used to, heavily. I know the feelings he has. Life was much different when I used to drown my sorrows. Not saying my life was better, but it was different. I just didn't care. Anyways, tell me what you think.


Do I have nothing good left to say
Do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints
People love to drink their troubles away
sometimes I feel that I'd be better off that way'

Cause maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, I know

So here's to living life miserable
And here's to all the lovely stories that I've told
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle

Maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, i know

Finally I could hope for a better day
No longer holding on to all the things that cloud my mind
Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn't seem so heavy
But then again, I'll probably always feel this way

Ghost from the Past

Here I sit another lonely night.
Telling myself it's going to be alright.
So confused to how you got back here.
Is it cause you told me you need me, with a voice so clear?
Just give me a chance I asked back then with a plee.
So you dulled out you chances with him and not me.

He hurt you real bad nearly ripped out your heart.
So you called your old friend always playing the part.
You see I know my role in this scene in this play.
I'd tell you your perfect, cherish and love you each day.
That's what I tell you so you smile and sigh.
That's why you love me I'm such a nice guy.

I tell you don't worry your life can be good.
Just give me a chance I pray and wish you would.
You tell me I'm a sweet heart and roll with the punches.
I tell you for you I'd take them in bunches.
Again you smile cause I'm getting creative
I'm glad you don't take it as being abrasive.

I hate how you give me these glimmers of hope.
Don't call me for help or ask for a rope.
Cause you know that you got me hook line and sinker.
My brain will stop working stop reasoning just think, her.
Is this what you do to get a heart back.
Break down my walls and start the attack.

I'm sorry to tell you my heart isn't there.
He broke into pieces, You know when, You know where.
I already gave you your piece and you'll have it forever.
Should I give you the rest, cause I'll use them never.
It's hurts me that no one can have me whole.
But then again that would give them to much control.

So take it in stride this lesson you've learned.
You can't find pure love in someone that's burned.
It's not hard to tell that I'm just too tired.
My veins have been pumpin to a heart that's retired.
My part I play perfect with a predictable cast.
So I beg you for something new, my ghost from the past.

Organized Chaos

I sit and I watch the organized chaos, the world around me seems as if it were in complete disarray and yet it continues on. Much like an ant farm you see everyone going there different ways doing there part to effect the community. I imagine God looks down on us with this same mindset. Look at them always moving, but never going anywhere.
I sit in a room and it moves around me. A party, a place to be someone for only a moment. You miss your mark and you may never get it back. It's time to be funny, dance monkey dance. You try to be noticed, but nobody cares. Your not good looking so your not self serving. We all are selfish and if I can't use you I don't need you.
You catch a glance from across the room. Your stomach sinks. Could this be someone different. Could this be someone who gets you. You catch another glance. Come over you screen in your head, but nothing. Now you can't avert you eyes from the spot were they sit. Will you see me again. You began to feel like a ghost. Nobody sees you but one. You catch the glance for a third time and look them deep into the eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul and you have pushed the curtains away and are trying to see as far as you can. Is there someone in there someone different than all the same. If you are different then why act like all the rest. If you can see me you must be different. Yet nothing has changed still I sit here alone. Still you sit there in the middle.
Is it hope I have? Hope to find someone like me. Hope to find someone different than all the rest. If this were a movie my name would not be on the credits. All the key actors doing there part. All the same in this organized chaos.

I made it

Well I made it. I thought my world was surely going to end. I thought food would have lost it's taste and the sun would no longer rise and we would be stuck here in darkness. I was wrong. I have moved on. I adapted. I'm I disappointed, yes. I'm I annoyed, of course. Although all the feelings of disappointment could cause me much anger, I can't help but reflect on the words of a good friend of mine who warned me not to let people have to much power in my life.
I tried to make someone else more powerful than they actually were. That's normally not like me. I wish I had been smart enough to figure this out on my own, but not this time. So thank you friend. Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for being there on the couch every time I needed you. Thank you for standing in the kitchen when I just needed to pace. The theme song of the golden girls would be good to listen to while you read this blog. Thank you for being a friend.

Still I Sit

The hero is still here still stuck in the same old predicament. It's more like a t.v show were you have to sit and wait till next weeks episode to find out what the hero is going to do. Tonight I took a leap. I wrote her an e-mail unfortunatlly the twentieth century has brought us computers. Human contact is no longer needed you can live your whole life in front of a screen and if someone is not returning your calls your best bet is to write them an e-mail. So that's what I did. I wrote her and asked what in the world is going on. I wasn't as open and could not write as freely as I do here, but I think I got enough out there to let her know I need something. So now I sit and wait. Surprisingly I don't feel stressed about it. I feel rather at peace. I put it out there and told her the ball is in her court. I told her that I feel am more than just a little interested.
So I guess in my little metaphor I have developed this letter is like a signal or a trail I have left for my accomplis to come and rescue me. I'm trying to buy my time with the villain. Maybe using my charm to extend my fate. But sooner or later something will have to change. A decision will have to be made. Change has always played an important role in my life. I have always felt that change is the answer. My thought has always been if it's not working, change it. This mato has been a cause of great pleasure and great grief. Because of this out look on life I at times have made a decision too quickly when I should have been letting nature take it's course. I would be the type of guy that when I butterfly is immersing from his cocoon, I would help it out and spread it's wings. When we all know that it needs that time to build up strength. So I sit her still.
Trying my best to wait and let nature take is course. Wanting the situation to change, but not know how. I was told that I am putting this girl up too high on a pedestal and I agree. I think that anything worth fighting for should be up there. So high that she cannot see the things that I would do all the way down here just to have her. Away from the sound of my voice so she could not here the deals being made and promises being dealt. Cause I do believe no one should know the power they have over you. That's why when she I hold the cards close to my chest. Only giving her a glimpse of what I may be holding. I'm holding the winning hand and if she takes me far enough in the game she just may see what I have, but until then I will keep her up on the pedestal. There she will sit. She will sit and still she will wait.

The Devise

The best way to describe my feelings right now would be best depicted as your classic villain vs. hero scenario. I'm sitting on the floor while the villain stands above me holding a pistol. He in classic villain style describes my options to me. Instead of being smart and killing me he give me a choice. He tells me to look down at my hand. I notice he has strapped a devise onto my hand. It's a crudely made peace of hardware, not noticeable in any shape. Except for the trigger placed stratigicly under my index finger.
He tells me that trigger is the detonator to the life around me. I pull it and the life I have been living is over. The people the friends the families will all be gone. If I pull it I will live but life will change. If I don't I will be the only one to die. As a any hero the first response would be some stylish fashioned one liner sure to please even the very villain, but as a human you begin to contemplate his offer. You think to yourself, " What has this life given me? It's not like everyone will die. My life will change and I can start a new one. Would any of them risk there life for me? Do I enjoy this life anyway? Why be a hero for a life that does nothing but take? I don't have any obligation to save anyone. This life if mine to make. If I save them and sacrifice myself it will only be a matter of time before they need another hero." This is the mind of your hero.
I feel I am at this crossroad right now. The woman I spoke so highly of in my last post. The one who begs me to ask the question is it worth it. Has driven me to this crossroad and left me there. Do I continue pursuing her or just let it go? If I continue to pursue this road I truly feel I put down the devise and let the villain take my life. No longer to fight another day. Because if I continue to pursue her and she continues to treat me this way I will surely die. The man you now know will be a shell to a lonely, depressed, withdrawn, pathetic, hopeless, angry, vengeful person.
If I chose to pull the trigger my life will have no choice but to change. I will no longer trust people. Because people are the product of God and he made me feel this one would work. I felt like this one was different. Like this one was special. I plead with him nightly to make this one so. I feel his embrace but am left cold and unprotected when in times when I feel I need him most. I know he is there. I know he watches me, but this is what I wanted most and I feel he has hid his eyes from me. She is all I wanted on his back is turned from me. So if I pull the trigger and move on my world will change.
So what do I do. Sacrifice myself or pull the trigger. Of course things could change. She could change. She sneak in the back door and disarm the villain. We could be a team. I would no longer have to be a hero left to make a decision. This could happen, but if it did then I would be left with the question, am I really the hero or is it just her. I wish she would be the hero. I wish she could change it all. I wish she could make it happen. I wish she could take the devise.

The Wonderful Life of Misery

Have you ever thought of someone so much it makes you sick? Do the people you have come to respect and care for seem to have lost there purpose in meaningful conversation and now only serve as time passers and momentary distracters from the one you truly want to talk to? Has the very thought of being able to hold someone ever made you weak in your knees? Well my whole life up until a short time ago such things were not existent in my life. As a matter of fact I played more of the part of Saul when it came to thoughts like this. I went about destroying anyone who would speak even the littlest of these emotions. I told them no such thing exists and they only pretended to feel this way because society has taught us these are the things we need to feel.
I do have a different perspective on this now. The angle has visited me and made me blind. I feel I still am blind. Going about with these new emotions not knowing were I am or what I'm doing. I can't tell you what is next. There is no logic. There is no reason. There is no surety.
So I stumble about in this wonderful life of misery. It is misery because you don't know what's next. You don't know if the effort put in will be rewarded with a suitable return. You don't know if at those times you are balled up grasping your stomach trying to fight through the pain that you have caused yourself, will ever bring you closer to your goal. You question if ever bit of encouraging advice isn't underlined with a sense of pity or doubt. You drive yourself crazy.
You ask yourself is this worth it.
Well you tell me. Every moment I look at her my eyes seem to focus like never before. I can see every perfection both inside and out. You come to know God as the perfect sculptor because there is no flaw in this, the finest of his work. When I hear her voice it pierces into my very being. My heart slows down as if to silence the rest of my body to better pay attention to every word. For missing one could make all the difference. When a playful touch sends chills throughout the entire body. As if the rest of the body were up in arms and jealous of the single spot that had been blessed by the presence of her touch. When her scent causes you to close your eyes because no visual scene can match the beauty created by that smell. When catching a glance from her causes your brain to shut down from and overload of thoughts. Your trying to think of something to say, but can't find the words. Your wondering if you should look away because of your unworthiness or if you should stare because these moments of being able to look perfection in its beautiful eye are not often given. You begin to think what does she see in me. What makes perfection decide to look across an entire room and stop its eye on me? And with all of that your brain shuts down as if to tell the all your thought so be quiet and take in this moment.
So please you tell me, is it worth it? Is this wonderful life of misery worth it?